


To Woo a Spider

by Tales_from_a_mockingbird



Series: Spider-Prompts [3]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: 5 Times, Allergic reaction, Angst, But it doesn't go as planned, Candles, Chocolate, Deadpool Thought Boxes, Dialogue Heavy, Eventual Fluff, Flowers, M/M, Misunderstandings, Peter is stressed, Prompt Fill, Romance, VIV the plant, Wade wears a maid costume, Wooing, a small fire, not for long though, peter is horny, some emotional angst, suicide ideation (it's deadpool), wade attempts to woo peter, wade has the best intentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:41:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23221894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tales_from_a_mockingbird/pseuds/Tales_from_a_mockingbird
Summary: 5 times Wade attempted to woo Peter and the one time he realized he didn't need to.Response to the prompt: Imagine Person A wants to spice up their and Person B's romance life and tries all sorts of cheesy tactics such as candlelit dinners, bringing fruit and whipped cream into the bedroom, sexy underwear... whether they fail or not in their romancing is another question...
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson, Spider-Man/Deadpool
Series: Spider-Prompts [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1667365
Comments: 16
Kudos: 240





	1. Chocolate

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT:  
> [White]  
> (Yellow)

Before shacking up with his baby boy, Wade Wilson didn’t have any reason to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

[Yeah coz who wants to look at that ugly mug on the most romantic day of the year?]

(Some people could be into it! There’s thousands of pages on porn hub, bound to be one video of a burn victim performer.)

[Yes, but the big guy doesn’t want to be someone’s fetish.]

(Oh right.)

[Thinks he’s too good for that…]

“We are too good for that. We deserve love like everyone else,” Deadpool interrupted his thoughts.

[But we’re not like everyone else, are we?]

(Yeah! We’re special!)

“Okay I take it back, *I* deserve love, not you two assholes,” Deadpool grumbled.

[Whatever you say champ.]

“Besides Peter loves me,” the merc stuck out his tongue.

(Peter! I love Peter! Let’s go find Peter!)

[Are you sure he still loves us? He’s the reason we’re sitting at Sister Margaret’s instead of our love shack right now.]

(What did we do?)

“Of course, he loves us, he was just a little mad.”

[A lot mad] 

(What did we do? What did we do? What did we doooooooo?)

“We didn’t come home for Valentine’s even though we promised!” Wade shouted at the empty seat next to him.

(Oh.)

[Yeah, don’t you remember the heartbroken expression on his face when we barged in Feb 15th …]

“Don’t.”

[…to find him asleep surrounded by a romantic meal…]

“Stop it.”

[…that he lovingly spent hours cooking and researching for us…]

“Shut up.”

[…and we waltz through the door covered in blood and he sent us right back out.]

“I said shut up!”

Deadpool took the pistol off the table and placed it against his temple.

“I’ll do it, you incorporeal asshole!” the merc threatened.

(No, I don’t like the dark!)

[He won’t.]

“Don’t test me.”

[He promised Peter he wouldn’t do that after a fight. He won’t go back on that.]

Wade’s shoulders sagged as he dropped the gun from his hands. He’d forgotten about his promise to Peter and even though his love was mad at him, he wouldn’t break that promise. 

“Hey buddy?” Weasel asked.

(Weasel! See he cares for us! Don’t blow our brains out.)

[We’re in his bar dipshit. It’s his job to comfort us.]

“Wade?” the bartender asked again. 

“Yeah?”

“Not that I don’t appreciate you wanting to gift me a new modern art piece for my wall, but I thought you promised a certain spider-kid you wouldn’t do that anymore?”

“He’s not a kid.”

(Ooo Peter would be proud! That’s what he always says.)

[He looked pretty childlike when you broke his heart.]

“He’s not old enough to drink. But that’s besides the point, the point is that I know you don’t really want to do this.”

[You do want to, you’re just too much of a coward.] 

“I screwed it all up Weasel,” Wade whispered. 

“What happened?”

“We had plans, but I lost track of time. He spent weeks planning the perfect day for us and then I miss it coz of some stupid job.”

“You break up?” Weasel asked.

“I don’t think so. He just said he needed time alone.”

(It’s been a couple of hours, maybe we could go back now?)

[If you we’re smart, you’d read between the lines and realize by ‘time’ he meant forever.]

“Peter wouldn’t do that. He promised to be honest and straight forward with us,” Deadpool argued.

[Just like you promised to be there for Valentine’s?] 

“Look, I don’t know what their saying,” Weasel gestured to Wade’s head “but I know Peter is crazy about you and it would take more than some forgotten plans to tear him away from you.”

“So, what do I do?”

“Woo him.”

“What?”

“You gotta show him he’s special, man! Surprise him with romantic shit.”

[Do not surprise him with actual shit, Peter is not into scat.]

“I’m not stupid, I can be romantic,” Wade muttered to himself.

“You got this!” Weasel clapped Wade on the shoulder and went back to work.

(So, what do we do now?)

[Something stupid no doubt.]

“Now we go to the store so we can woo baby boy within an inch of his life,” Wade grinned.

[Yeah like I said, stupid.]

**The Following Morning**

Wade was cooking pancakes for his beloved. The tensions of the previous day all but forgotten; he knew for certain that he’d made it up to Peter.

[I wouldn’t be so sure about that.]

(No way! We did soooo good.)

“Thank you Yellow. I know we did good coz Petey loves chocolate and who doesn’t want to wake up to chocolate?”

As the merc was plating up the breakfast he could hear movement from the bedroom.

(Showtime!)

“Wade!” Peter yelled.

[Told you.]

“He could be yelling in gratitude,” Wade argued.

[Even you’re not that stupid.]

“WADE!” the hero yelled again.

“In the kitchen snookums!” the bald man called back.

Peter stormed into the kitchen. The right side of his face was covered in a thick brown substance.

“Please tell me this is chocolate,” the young hero demanded.

“Of course, sweetums, it’s your favourite. I bought them last night.”

“Why was it on my pillow?” Peter whined.

“I placed them in the shape of a heart,” Wade explained proudly.

“I have a big meeting with Jameson today and now I have chocolate in my hair. And I don’t have time to wash it out coz I overslept,” Peter sighed and covered his face with his hands.

[Knew we should have just given him the box this morning.]

“The pillow was more personal,” Wade snapped at the voice.

“Look I don’t know what’s going on with you babe. But I have to take the world’s fastest shower and will probably have to work late tonight. I’ll call you later.”

The brunette didn’t even wait for a response before turning and marching back to the bedroom.

(That didn’t go well?)

“No, it didn’t Yellow,” Wade sighed staring at the pancakes.

[So, we’re going to give up on our mission to woo Peter?]

“Never! Baby boy is far too important to ever give up.”

(True love conquers all!)

[Now you’re just spouting gibberish.]

(I’m sticking my tongue out at you; you just can’t see it.)

[Real mature. So, what’s the plan big guy?]

“You can never go wrong with flowers,” Wade proclaimed confidently.


	2. Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You can never go wrong with flowers,” Wade proclaimed confidently.

While Peter was at work, Wade decided to find the perfect bouquet for his Spidey love. 

(It’s sooooooo pretty!)

[A little on the nose, don’t you think?]

Wade stared down at the arrangement of red Roses and blue Delphiniums in his arms.

“I think it’s cute. It’s his colours,” the merc answered.

(We even got them to wrap it in black paper, so now it’s both our colours.)

“Yeah it’s thoughtful.”

[All its missing are the blood splatters he hates.]

“Well maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll come across a violent criminal we can un-alive and then it’ll be perfect,” Wade snarked.

[I don’t know why he puts up with you.]

(We put out on the first date.)

[I don’t think having a naked deformed lunatic throw themselves at him, was the highlight of Spider-Man’s life.]

(We’re not supposed to use that word. Petey said we are beautiful and unique.)

Wade snorted.

“Well we all know that’s a lie.”

(I’m telling Peter.)

“How you gonna do that dipshit? I control the mouth.”

[Oh, do you now?]

“Shut up,” Wade grumbled.

Aqua’s 'Barbie Girl' started playing from Wades pocket. The merc took out his flip phone and rolled his eyes at the caller ID.

(Don’t answer it.)

[Coz that’s the way to get on Peter’s good side. Ignore an opportunity to be an actual hero.]

(But our flowers!)

[He knows he has to answer it.] 

“I do not,” Wade argued.

[Peter would be disappointed. That’s enough to get him to do anything these days.]

(It’s not our fault. Who could resist those eyes?)

“He has the most perfect eyes,” Deadpool sighed dreamily.

[Hey genius, while you were daydreaming the call went to voicemail.]

“Shit!”

Wade pressed play on the message.

“Wilson! Got a little situation here at the tower and I know from the most reliable source that you’re not on a job right now. So, stop talking to yourself and get your ass down here to help,” Tony Stark ordered.

[We don’t usually get called in for ‘little’ situations.]

(Yeah, I’m pretty sure Iron Hero would rather get body slammed by the Hulk than ask us to hang out.) 

“I know.”

[That means its serious business. To even consider calling you.]

“Fine we’ll go,” Deadpool conceded. 

(But flowers…)

“We’ll save the day and swing by the Daily Bugle to deliver the flowers. Petey won’t be able to resist us after our heroism,” Wade promised and set off.

By the time Deadpool got to the tower, thick vines had wrapped themselves around the top ten floors of the building.

[Sure looks ‘little’.]

“Yeah he’s a dick,” Wade agreed.

(But we’ll save the day anyway?)

“Of course.”

Deadpool took the elevator up to Stark’s lab-the regular origin point for catastrophes-and was met with Iron Man shooting beams at the vines that were lunging at him. The merc unsheathed his katanas and strapped his bouquet to his back. 

(Ugh I hate gardening.)

“How would you know; you don’t have hands?” Wade asked.

“Deadpool! Glad you decided to finally join us,” Iron Man called.

(We gave up surprising Petey for this sarcastic asshole?)

“We’ll never give up, just delayed,” Wade mumbled.

[Where’s everyone else?]

Deadpool looked around the lab. Apart from being covered in wriggling vines, White was right, the place was empty. Wade was definitely not Tony Stark’s first port of call in a situation, this was weird.

[Peter’s finally had enough of you and has asked Stark to sacrifice you to some nature God.]

(We’ve survived the Canadian wilderness we can take a puny nature God.)

Wade felt movement at his feet and looked down at a vine wrapping itself around his leg. The merc sliced through it and the offending vine let out a thick spray of something and a high-pitched shriek. 

“Don’t hurt VIV!” Iron Man shouted.

“Who the fuck is Viv?” Wade asked, coughing from whatever the plant sprayed at him.

“Vine Intelligence Vector. I’ve been working on her for a couple of weeks,” the billionaire gestured to the plant destroying his lab.

(If we can’t kill it, why are we here?)

[Obviously he thinks we have another skill set.]

“Guess you missed the memo Tin Can, but the only thing I’m good at it un-aliving things.”

“Before working together, I would have agreed with you. But you’ve shown a…certain talent for distraction,” Iron Man explained. 

“Yeah we usually get in trouble for it,” Dedapool grumbled.

“Look, VIV is still very young, and I misjudged her growth. But if I can spray some sedative on her core then that should put her to sleep and I can move her to a secure greenhouse.”

“So, what do you want me to do?”

“She’s distracted very easily, so just keep her interested in you and I should be able to get to her core no problem.”

(We can totally do that! Let’s be honest we’d probably do that anyway…)

Just then VIV shot thorns out of her vines to Wade’s left. Piercing the merc in the leg.

“Son of a Bitch!” Deadpool cursed.

[Ah. So, not a distraction. A pin cushion for his new creation.]

(Yeah, he didn’t mention that part of the mission.)

[That’s all you are to them. A human shield.]

“Yeah, but Petey likes them so we just put up with it,” Deadpool whispered.

“Wilson?”

“Yeah, yeah Tin Man. Let’s do this.”

30 minutes and nearly 100 thorns later VIV was finally sound asleep. 

(Everything hurts.)

[Stop complaining, it’s not like we haven’t had needles stuck in us before.]

(Yeah, but we promised never again.)

Iron Man clapped Deadpool on the shoulder.

“Thanks for your help Wilson. Much appreciated, really.”

(Did Iron Man just thank us?)

[It has to be a trick. He has a fire breathing dragon in the dungeon he wants you to dance for next.]

“Uh…no problem Iron Maiden, maybe leave the plants alone before you make an Ent or something though?”

(Oh yeah, we read!)

[We listened to them on tape genius.]

(It still counts…)

“Hah yeah. Listen, about all this; we don’t need to tell Pepper, right? She was a little concerned about VIV,” Tony said sheepishly.

[And there it is.]

“Sure. But if I could give you a word of advice, being in a totally awesome relationship myself; honesty is the best policy.”

“Yeah I’ll be sure to keep relationship advice from Deadpool in the forefront of my mind,” the billionaire grumbled.

“Whatever,” Wade saluted and hit the down button on the elevator.

When Wade finally got to drop Peter’s flowers off it was already early in the afternoon. But Petey had said he’d be working late so they could be a morale booster. The merc didn’t wait around to see his love, he just dropped the bouquet on his desk and snuck out again. 

[Yeah who wants their office to know Deadpool buys them flowers.]

(Petey doesn’t care what anyone else thinks. He says that constantly.)

[The chocolate this morning already shows you don’t know how to be romantic. He’s going to hate them.]

“Maybe you’re right…” Wade sighed.

Just then Deadpool’s phone beeped. 

_Thank you so much for the flowers babe, I love them! I can’t wait to see you tonight <3-Petey Pie_

(See! See! He LOVED them!)

[You’re a child.]

Wade grinned and headed home. Maybe if Peter wasn’t too exhausted from work, they could have make-up sex tonight.

**A couple of hours later.**

Wade had fallen asleep in front of the TV but woke to the sound of his phone buzzing. The merc checked his messages. He had six from his beloved over the last hour.

(How’d we miss those?)

[We were healing from a hundred thorn wounds, remember?]

_Hey babe, just checking. You didn’t get the flowers from Mr Stark, did you? -Petey Pie_

_Wade! If you stole these flowers from Stark Industries… - Petey Pie_

_Okay I swear one of them just moved! – Petey Pie_

_IT ATE MY SANDWICH – Petey Pie_

_CALL ME! – Petey Pie_

_Mr Stark came and took VIV’s spawn back to his lab. Look, I know you meant well, but gifting me an experimental intelligence plant is really not workplace appropriate. - Petey Pie_

(Uh oh.)

[Screwed up again.]

“That stupid plant must have done something to the flowers,” Wade buried his head in hands.

(I bet Iron Dick didn’t even tell Petey how we helped him.)

[Doesn’t matter anyway. We just need to accept that Wade Wilson has no idea how to be romantic.]

“Yeah I guess you’re right,” the merc dragged himself over to the sink.

(But you said we’d never give up…)

[We always give up. Why should Peter be any different?]

Deadpool stared at the dishes in the sink from the forgotten Valentine’s Day meal. 

“Your right Yellow, we’re not giving up.”

[What?]

(YES!)

[What on earth could you possibly do now?]

“This whole thing started coz we forgot about Petey’s dinner, right? So, we’ll make him the most romantic dinner tonight to make up for the chocolate and the flowers,” Wade proclaimed determinedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this totally got away from me again and turned into 1,000+ words. But that's okay, I like VIV she kinda cute. 
> 
> Poor Wade tries so hard. I promise it's all worth it in the end!
> 
> Also, I'm Australian so if my upload times are weird it's coz of the time difference (for me I've been posting every day but I just realized that it doesn't show up like that).


	3. Candlelight Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This whole thing started coz we forgot about Petey’s dinner, right? So, we’ll make him the most romantic dinner tonight to make up for the chocolate and the flowers,” Wade proclaimed determinedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT:  
> (Yellow)  
> [White]  
> ([Yellow imitating White])

For some reason the fridge had a chicken in it, so Wade settled on a one pan roast dinner to make it up to Peter. 

[That must have been his second option for Valentine’s Day.]

(Aww Petey.)

“We’ll do it right,” Wade promised as he put the pan in the oven.

(Now we wait!)

[You might want to turn the oven on genius.]

“Thank you White, that was actually a helpful suggestion.”

Just as Wade was about to turn the dial, the doorbell rang.

“Coming!” Wade called.

[You didn’t...]

(WE KNOW HOW TO COOK!)

[…Okay. I’ll keep my thoughts to myself.]

(That’d be a first.)

[…]

(And you say I’m a child.)

“Quit it you two.”

(White started it!!)

“We’re just nervous, it’s an important meal. It’ll be fine,” the merc reassured his thoughts.

[…]

Wade opened the door in full Deadpool regalia. The surprised look on the delivery person’s face told him they hadn’t been expecting that.

“Hey random citizen!” 

([Well not completely random, you did order half the stock at bath and body works.])

“That’s a little bitchy for you,” Wade commented.

(It’s boring with only one voice up here. I have to fill in for White.)

[…]

“Oh man, I didn’t mean to offend you. I just thought Jesse was joking when he said the delivery was for Deadpool,” the worker explained.

“Nope. The one and only Merc with a Mouth at your service, and in desperate need of your candles,” Deadpool said.

“Oh right. Yeah so, I’m pretty sure we had everything you asked for. We don’t usually deliver, but I guess you paid my manager enough, so just call back if you need anything else.” 

Wade kicked the large box inside the apartment and took the bags from the employee’s arms. Their nametag read Dylan.

“You’re not doing a ritual sacrifice are you? My girlfriend would be super pissed if I helped with that,” Dylan joked.

([Of course, you’re the kind of person, people think would perform a ritual sacrifice.])

(Maybe if this doesn’t work, we’ll see if there’s a love spell, we could cast on Petey. Spells use candles, right?)

([That would be grossly immoral.])

(You’re no fun. Besides, we know Petey doesn’t really need a love spell. He’s head over heels.)

[…]

“Nah. Hot date tonight…well I’m going for more of a romantic atmosphere, but the date is super-hot,” Wade explained.

(The hottest!)

“Well good luck. Man, I can’t believe I got to deliver to Deadpool! You’re like the coolest hero,” Dylan exclaimed.

(Aww we have a fan!)

“Definitely more anti-hero, but thanks Dylan! I’d high five you cept…” Deadpool gestured to his full arms. 

“Forget it. Just keep up the good work. Laters Deadpool,” Dylan waved and headed back down the hallway.

(That went well.)

[…]

([Yes, I agree with you Yellow. You always know how to read a situation and are obviously the more intelligent voice.])

[…]

“It’s gonna be a long night,” Wade sighed, closing the door.

**1 hour later**

Wade had everything set up for when Peter walked through the door; dinner was minutes away, a romantic playlist was all cued up and candles had been set up all over the apartment. Apparently, not quite enough, as Wade was alerted to his baby boy’s presence by a loud crash from the living room.

“Wade?” Peter called.

“Yes, baby boy?”

“Did we forget to pay a bill or something?”

“Nope.”

“Then why did I trip over a cardboard box coz all the lights are turned off?” 

“Shouldn’t your spidey sense have told you about it?” Wade wondered.

“I’m tired babe, I was running on auto-pilot. Not usually a massive box here,” his love answered.

“Oh, that’s what the candles came in!”

“And we needed the candles because?” Peter asked, the worry clear in his voice.

“Romance, my dear Spidey! You just sit down at the table and I’ll bring you out a drink.”

Wade grabbed the bottle of wine and headed into the living room. Peter was sitting at the table rubbing his elbow. 

“Sorry about the clutter baby boy, there was a lot to get ready and I wanted it to be perfect,” the older man apologized.

The brunette’s face softened into a warm smile.

“It’s okay babe, a romantic dinner sounds great. Thank you,” Peter beamed.

(See everything’s going great.)

[…]

(You’re only silent coz you know I’m right.)

[…]

(And we did it all without you.)

[…]

(Fine keep sulking like a baby. See if I care. We’re better off without you anyway.)

[...]

(Just say something.)

Wade walked over to the table and screwed the top off the bottle.

“Drink, baby?” 

“Yes please. No offence, but after the day I’ve had I definitely need a drink,” Peter laughed.

(One thing?)

[…]  
(Pleeeeease??????)

[…]

(It can be anything… even an insult.)

[You forgot to turn the oven on.]

(…)

“MOTHERFUCKER!” Wade dropped the bottle of wine on Peters lap.

“Shit! These are my good pants,” the hero tried to soak up the spilled wine with a napkin. 

“You knew! You knew this whole time and you didn’t tell me!” Wade yelled at himself.

[I was told to stay out of it. So that’s what I did.]

The merc ran to the kitchen and just as White had said, the oven was stone cold. His pale chicken sat amongst a pile of raw vegetables, mocking Deadpool. 

(…)

[Nothing to say? I thought you were doing so well without me?]

(Shut up.)

“I’m gonna kill you,” Wade grumbled.

(Which one?)

[Does it matter? We all live in the same place. Can’t hurt one without hurting us all.]

“I’ll find a way to give you a body and then I’m gonna put a bullet between your eyes,” the mercenary promised.

“Babe? Is everything okay?” Peter asked hesitantly from the doorway.

“I forgot to put the oven on. White new but didn’t say anything...”

[I tried. You wouldn’t listen.]

“…whatever,” Wade muttered. “Then the candles got delivered and I never had a chance to check. I’ve been so busy.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” the brunette soothed. “We can just order take out and snuggle on the couch, yeah?” 

“Okay,” Wade mumbled, his head buried in his hands.

“C’mon, it’ll make you feel better,” Peter kissed the back of Wade’s neck and led his boyfriend away from the oven.

[See, just leave the romance to Peter; he’s good at it.]

(OUR PLAYLIST!)

[Oh Jesus…]

(PUT ON OUR PLAYLIST! WE WILL WOO BABY BOY!)

“Just a sec Petey, not everything I planned has to go to waste,” Wade grinned and pressed play on his iPod.

The unholy screech that blasted through the speakers caused Peter to jump backwards. In turn, knocking over a candle that was placed too close to the curtains. The material immediately caught fire.

“Fuck!” Peter exclaimed and stomped out the flames.

[Well that’s just great.]

(It wasn’t supposed to be that!)

[Let me guess, you didn’t have time to listen to the tracks beforehand?]

(…)

“They must have uploaded the wrong file,” Wade muttered.

(I never liked those curtains away.)

[Let’s hope Peter didn’t.]

The lights came on and Wade turned to see Peter inspecting the damage.

“May gifted us these. She’s definitely going to ask what happened, at dinner on Thursday,” the young hero groaned.

“We can replace them?” 

“Nah, it doesn’t matter. Look babe, it’s been a long day and I’m kinda beat. I think I’ll just have a shower and head for bed?”

“Yeah…I’ll clean up all the candles.”

“You’re the best,” Peter kissed his boyfriend on the cheek before walking to the bedroom. 

(Don’t say it.)

[I wasn’t going to.]

(…We just wanted to do something nice.)

[Don’t pout.]

“You were right, it’s never going to work. We should just give up.” 

(Guess we’ll just have to remember to turn up next year.)

[You’re quitting?]

“Well obviously,” the merc stared at the 100 candles in his living room.

[We don’t quit on Peter.]

(Does this mean…?)

[Yes.]

“You’re gonna help woo, baby boy?” Deadpool snorted.

[Well you two knuckleheads already tried and see how great that turned out.]

“Touché.”

(What are we gonna do?)

[Peter is a simple creature. You’re trying too hard.]

“That’s your advice?”

[Think of something you already know he likes and just add one thing to make it a tiny bit more special.]

(We can do that!)

“But what do we pick?” Wade pondered.

(Well there is the obvious…)

[Don’t do that.]

(But we already know he likes that. And there are soooo many things we haven’t done with him yet.)

“I like this idea!”

[No. This is a bad idea. Bad idea.]

“Shush. I’m coming up with the sexiest of sexy wooing plans.”

(Squee!)

[I’m not taking part in this.]

(Spoil sport.)

[Big guy is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.]

“That’s it!” Wade exclaimed.

[I’m afraid to ask...]

“What are Petey’s two favourite things?”

[Responsibility and Justice. He’s annoyingly moral.]

“That’s Spider-Man, not Peter Parker.”

(Sex and food?)

“BINGO!”

[Please no.]

“We’re going to be on our best behavior tomorrow and then we’ll surprise our Spidey-Mate with erotic food times!” Wade announced excitedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These just keep getting longer and longer! But we're at the half way point now and I don't think it's turning out too bad. I'm really enjoying writing the thought boxes!


	4. Fruit and Whipped Cream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We’re going to be on our best behaviour tomorrow and then we’ll surprise our Spidey-Mate with erotic food times!” Wade announced excitedly.

Wade had fallen asleep while clearing up from his attempted romantic rendezvous. He woke the next day wrapped in a blanket on the couch, with a cold cup of coffee on the table next to him. 

(Rise and shiiiine!)

[Finally. It’s nearly 12.]

“How could you possibly know that?” the bald man grumbled.

[Peter took down the curtains you set on fire last night.]

(Hey! Technically that was baby boy…)

[Yes, but whose bright idea was it to turn all the lights off?]

(I liked it better when you weren’t talking.)

Wade picked up the mug and downed the cool liquid.

[Why do you insist on only consuming disgusting things?]

(Excuse you, we have a very refined palate!)

“Besides, we need the energy for tonight,” the merc waggled his hairless eyebrows.

(SEXY FOOD! SEXY FOOD! SEXY FOOD!)

[I think Peter is still traumatised from yesterday.]

(Nah uh, he didn’t want us to be cold and gave us bean juice. That means he cares.)

“Exactly! He’s in prime wooing position,” Wade declared.

[No.]

(Yes!)

“Votes 2 to 1, so suck it up White.”

(SEXXXXYYYYYY FOOOOOOD!)

[Oh brother.]

Deadpool grabbed a pad and pen and began making a list of what he’d need to order. 

(Oooh maybe we’ll see Dylan again!)

[Dylan worked for Bath & Body Works. You feed Peter anything from there and we’ll poison him.]

(Oh right.)

“I think that’s everything.”

[Hmm you were actually more restrained than I thought.]

“You said simple. So, we’ll take it back to basics; fruit and whipped cream.”

(No chocolate?)

[…]

“…”

(Ohhhh right coz of before.)

[Genius.]

“Yeah, thought we’d give that one a skip this time.”

[Finally, a good call.]

(Petey is gonna loooove it.)

[Let’s not get our hopes up. The sofa is uncomfortable to sleep on.]

The merc took his phone out and arranged for the cream and his selection of fruits to be delivered. Remembering part of the plan was to be on best behaviour, Wade got up and washed his empty coffee cup. On the fridge Peter had used their letter magnets to spell out:

_hey babe  
you looked so peaceful so I just let you sleep  
take care of yourself today  
see you tonight  
love peter_

His baby boy had even put a love heart between the Deadpool and Spider-Man magnets they had.

(MY HEART!)

[…]

(Oh, come on, even you can’t find something wrong with that.)

[…he’s perfect.]

“Yeah, he is,” Wade agreed, staring lovingly at the fridge door.

**That Night**

By the time Peter arrived home, everything had been prepared and arranged. Wade greeted his boyfriend at the front door with a kiss. 

“Mmmph,” the younger man let out, but quickly melted into the kiss.

“Welcome home, baby,” Wade whispered.

“You’re not wearing your suit,” Peter observed, tracing the scars on Wade’s face.

The older man had decided to forgo his usual coverage as a treat to Peter.

(Well Peter usually takes it off us pretty quickly anyway.)

[Yes, but I still don’t know why we did it preemptively.]

(Coz Petey loves us. Look he’s already hard.)

“Only for you baby boy,” Wade gave a small thrust against Peter, rubbing their groins together.

The brunette gave a moan and clung to Wade’s muscled bicep.

“You’re so hot. How are you so hot? It’s not fair what you do to me,” Peter groaned and peppered kisses on his boyfriends’ neck.

(Horny Peter is my favourite Peter.) 

[Ever the romantic.]

The couple made out against their front door until they were both panting messes. 

(Let’s fuck!)

[What about our romantic surprise?]

(Oh yeah, I forgot.)

[Amateur.]

(It’s not my fault Petey is so sexy.)

Wade reluctantly pulled away from Peter’s lips. The younger man chased the mercs mouth with his own.

“More,” the young hero demanded.

“In a sec baby.”

“Need you,” Peter whined. “So, fucking hard for you babe. You were on that job for two weeks and you’ve barely touched me since you got back.”

(So that’s why Peter’s ready to off like a geyser.) 

[You forgot we left him for two weeks, didn’t you?]

(Don’t blame me, you took all the attention span.)

[I’m 100% certain that’s not how this works]

(Yep it is.)

[No, it’s not.]

(Yes.)

[No.]

(Yes.)

[No.]

(YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.)

“Shut up you two,” Wade grumbled.

“They giving you trouble, babe?”

“Always,” Wade breathed.

“I know how to make them be quiet,” Peter purred, looping his fingers through Wade’s belt before flipping their positions so Wade was against the door.

(TAKE ME SPIDER-MAN!)

[Could you be any more embarrassing?]

“So, fucking hot when you use your strength baby boy,” Wade groaned.

“That’s not the only thing I’m gonna be using,” Peter smirked, holding Wade’s hand up to lips before taking a finger into his mouth and sucking.

[I think we’re getting side-tracked.]

(We really don’t care.)

“Fuck yeah, baby boy.”

[Fine. Be selfish as usual. Let Peter blow you out here while our $100 worth of fruit sits in the bedroom.]

(We can get it up again. This is just taking the edge off.)

[I’m sure Peter is thrilled that your version of an apology is letting him get on his knees for you in our foyer.]

(I hate you.)

[You know he deserves better.]

“Got a surprise for you,” Wade panted.

Peter stilled and released Wade’s finger.

“I ate a candy bar at lunch, got a bagel on the way home for dinner and I think my hay fever is playing up.”

“It’s in the bedroom silly spider,” the merc purred.

The young hero turned around slowly to scan the apartment. 

“It’s only us, here right? Coz I know when I was drunk once, I mentioned being interested in a threesome. But if I remember correctly the hypothetical situation was, ‘if a you from another universe came to this universe would I fuck you’ and I said I’d rather have both…oh God you didn’t discover the multiverse did you?” the brunette rambled. 

(Petey’s cute when he’s all worked up.)

[Told you he was traumatised.]

“Only us here Petey, it’s a good surprise I promise. Foolproof.” Wade kissed the top of Peter’s head.

The younger man’s posture immediately relaxed, and he leaned into Wade. 

“Show me?” Peter murmured, as the merc dotted his face with kisses.

Wade led Peter into the bedroom where several small bowls of fruit were set up on a board with a can of whipped cream. The young hero let out a low groan and melted into Wade’s side.

“You like?” the scarred man asked.

Peter twisted in his arms and gave the merc a gentle kiss.

“I love you,” Peter whispered against scarred lips.

“I love you so much baby. Let’s have some fun,” Wade nipped at the brunettes bottom lip playfully.

The slighter man moaned loudly before pulling the merc into a passionate kiss. 

(So far so good!)

[Yes, I have to admit this does seem to actually be going well.]

(Now time to get naked!)

[Charming.] 

“Take you’re clothes off and lay on the bed baby boy,” the older man instructed.

Peter scrambled to get out of his clothes.

(Someone is eager!)

“I know you said you already had dinner, but you feel up to some desert?” Wade asked.

“Oh yeah, give it to me hot stuff,” Peter grinned.

[Does he really think he’s smooth?]

(Oh, come one he’s adorable and we’re a sure thing.)

Once Peter was laying on the bed, Wade brought the various bowls up to his face, showing the different options. The merc had ordered quite a selection; bananas, apples, cherries, strawberries and lychees.

“I’ve never had one of those before,” the hero murmured after the last bowl. 

“Want to try baby?”

Peter nodded his head and Wade placed a peeled lychee in front of his mouth, the brunette bit away at the flesh and let out a groan.

(Oooooh baby boy likes it. We did good.)

[I don’t know how much credit you can take for the evolution of the lychee.]

“Good?” 

“Yeah Wade, I like your tiny balls,” Peter smirked.

(HE IS TOO PRECIOUS!)

[Great. You’ve rubbed off on him.]

“More where that came from honey,” the merc bent down to kiss him but Peter started coughing.

(He swallowed the pit!)

[We’re holding the pit numbskull.]

“You want a drink baby?” Wade asked.

“Nah just a tickle, it’ll be fine. Keep going.”

The older man grabbed another lychee and placed it between his teeth, this time he rubbed the fruit along Peter’s neck. He bit down slightly so juice would trickle down the smooth column.

“Looks like you made a mess,” Peter whispered.

The merc grinned and removed the lychee so he could lap at the sweet juices. He ended by sucking a hickey onto Peter’s throat. The brunette began to wheeze slightly.

[That doesn’t sound good.]

“Did I press too hard, baby?” The merc asked, lightly stroking Peter’s neck.

“Just excited. Keep going,” Peter dismissed. 

“Are you sure...”

“While you were gone all, I could think about was how much I wanted you. Please don’t stop,” the younger man begged.

(Aww Petey.)

“Okay baby, not gonna stop. Gonna make you feel so good,” Wade promised.

Just as he went to tease Peter’s nipples with the fruit Wade noticed Peter’s hand by his neck. Scratching. With a nice patch of red welts quickly forming.

[He’s allergic.]

(Shit!)

Wade spat the fruit out and jumped off the bed.

“Where are you going?” Peter asked, his breathing shallow.

“I think you’re allergic to lychees,” Wade explained.

Peter kept a stash of Epi-pens in his suit for when he was out on patrol, the merc grabbed one and brought it back to the bed.

“But…they tasted…so good,” the brunette wheezed.

Wade chuckled.

“Don’t worry baby, gonna get you feeling better.”

(DO IT ALREADY! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE US IF WE KILL PETER.)

Wade stabbed Peter’s thigh with the pen and pressed down. The younger man’s breathing began to return to normal.

(We should take him to the hospital!)

[He’ll be fine.]

(How do you know?)

[He’s Spider-Man. His healing powers would have lessened the reaction already.]

(Oh.)

[He’ll be right as rain by morning. But he needs to rest.]

(No sex?)

[No sex.]

“No sex,” Wade agreed.

“Yes sex!” Peter pouted beneath him.

“You need to rest baby.”

“I’m fine. We won’t touch the fruit again. You can just fuck me,” the brunette babbled.

[Such a sweet talker.]

(Shut up. You know we love it when he begs.)

“We can have sex anytime, your body needs to rest and heal,” Wade cooed.

“I can rest and heal after.”

“Fine, I’ll make you deal. I’m going to clean up the fruit and if your still awake when I get back, we’ll have sex.”

“Easy peasy,” Peter proclaimed, but his eyes were already fluttering shut.

(C’mon Petey you can do it!)

[We’re supposed to want him to go to sleep.]

(Oh right.)

Wade grabbed the board and headed to the kitchen.

**30 Minutes Later**

(You took forever on purpose.)

[Of course, we did.]

(That’s not fair on Petey.)

[Whose side are you on?]

(The side where we get to cum.)

Before even entering the bedroom, the merc could hear his beloved’s quiet snores.

[Good boy.]

(Damn it.) 

“Sleep tight Petey Pie,” Wade whispered.

(Well I’m fresh out of ideas.)

[Wooing is getting dangerous. We need to go back to our regularly scheduled programming.]

“I couldn’t agree more, White.”

(WHAAAT?)

[What?]

“Yep. Tonight, has shown me that we should stick closer to home in our seduction.”

(How?)

“We need to revisit something that was already a success.”

[No, no, no go back to stopping. That was better.]

(I like the sound of this!)

“Boys, I think it’s time we brought out the maid costume,” Wade grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So close this time Wade! 
> 
> Anyone got any unusual allergies? I'm allergic to Guinea Pigs (which I discovered by getting a one fml).


	5. Maid Costume

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Boys, I think it’s time we brought out the maid costume,” Wade grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT:  
> (Yellow)  
> [White]  
> ([Yellow imitating White])  
> *singing*

It wasn’t a secret that Deadpool sometimes liked to wear dresses. But a pretty frock over his red leather suit was one thing, a sexy costume on his bare skin was a feat he’d never attempted before Peter. The costume in question was supposed to be a French maid outfit, a black and white corset top with the flimsiest apron skirt. 

(And did baby boy love it!)

[It did get a favorable response, I suppose.]

(Favorable? Petey couldn’t keep his hands off us and begged to cum on the skirt.) 

[I didn’t think we needed to get graphic.]

“Yeah, not sure that was the best idea,” Wade muttered, staring at the stain on the front of his dress.

[Oh, Jesus you could have washed it.]

(We did wash it!)

[Properly.]

(Hey…)

“Doesn’t matter. If everything goes as planned, we’ll just be adding another stain tonight anyway,” Wade smirked.

(Petey is definitely going to love this!)

[You know what Peter would actually love?]

(You’re about to say something incredibly boring, aren’t you?)

[For you to do some decent cleaning around the apartment for once. Put the costume to actual use.]

(Actual cleaning isn’t sexy. And sexy cleaning doesn’t really clean anything.)

[No one here to be sexy for now. Why are we wearing it so early?]

“Well I thought baby boy might appreciate some pictures of what’s to come,” the merc explained.

[We got told off for gifting him a sentient plant at work, do you think sexy photos are appropriate?]

(But he loves us like this.)

[Doesn’t mean we should send them to him at work.]

“Petey usually has lunch at 12:30, it’s 12 now so how about we set up a little photo shoot and we can send them on his break.”

(Woo photo shoot!)

[You’ll crack his phone screen from all the ugly.]

(That’s not nice.)

[Truth hurts.]

(We look like a slutty princess and you are can’t bring us down.)

[Only you would consider that a compliment.]

“Come on White, just accept we look hot.”

The merc grabbed the tiny feather duster that came with the costume and took some selfies with it.

[So original.]

(It’s just the warm-up.)

Wade continued around the apartment with the duster, pretending to clean any phallic looking objects he could find.

[Subtle.]

(Petey doesn’t like subtle. It took him 6 months to figure out we were flirting.)

“Now for the Pièce de résistance.”

[Oh, we’re so cultured.]

(French is the language of love. And we looove Petey.)

Wade placed the phone on the mantel and set the timer. The merc bent over the edge of the table, his ass pointed at the camera and the skirt lifting enough that Peter would get a peek of the lacy panties he was wearing. Once he heard the click, Wade skipped over to check the picture.

[They’ll hang it in the Louvre.]

“I know your being a sarcastic little shit, but it really is that perfect,” the scarred man beamed.

(SEND IT!)

Wade picked his favourite cleaning photos to attach with the table shot. After hitting ‘send’, a loud beep came from the kitchen counter. The merc got up to explore and found Peter’s phone.

(He must have forgotten to take it with him)

[Your powers of deduction are astounding.]

(How’s he gonna see us now?)

[I guess you’ll just have to wait.]

“We could call him?”

[What, you’re gonna describe the photos to him?]

“In explicit detail,” the merc smirked.

(Phone sex?)

“Oh yeah!”

(Phone sex!)

[That’s even more inappropriate than the pictures.]

“Petey’s on his lunch break, if he doesn’t want to, all baby boy has to say is no.”

(Besides wouldn’t be the first time.)

“Yeah, we found ourselves a kinky little spider.”

Wade made his way over to the home phone.

(Why don’t we just use our cell?)

“It’ll help us get into character and besides it just feels naughtier.”

[I don’t know why Peter insisted we keep a landline. The only people who call it are scams and telemarketers.]

“Baby boy is old school on some things,” Wade explained.

A red ‘1’ was flashing on the answering machine. The merc pressed play and Peter’s voice began fill the apartment.

_Hey babe, I must have left my phone at home. Jameson seems be on the warpath for blood so…_

(Ugh J. Jonah Jameson.)

[President of the Anti-Spider-Man club.]

(Why can’t we shoot him again?)

[We already offered. Peter said that would be an automatic break up.]

_…he’s already made Betty cry this morning which I hate. So, I’ll probably try to leave early. Don’t forget…_

(PETEY’S COMING HOME! PETEY’S COMING HOME! PETEY’S COMING HOME!)

[Could you be any louder?]

(Sure…WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)

“Shut up, I can’t hear what we’re supposed to remember.”

_…see you tonight, love you babe!_

[Just play it again.]

([Just play it again.])

[Don’t.]

([Don’t.)]

[So original.]

([So original.])

[Shoot yourself in the head so I don’t have to listen to Yellow anymore.]

(*Fire away, fire away*)

[Please don’t.]

(*You shoot me down but I won’t fall*)

[For the love of…]

(*I AM TITANIUUUUUUUM*)

“SHUT UP!” Wade shouted at the ceiling.

The merc pressed play again, but instead of his love’s beautiful voice all that came out of the machine was:

_Message deleted._

(…)

[You pressed the wrong button.]

“I know!”

(We could call him?)

“Nah, when Jameson is in a mood, it’s best to give Petey as little distractions as possible.”

[He doesn’t want to make Peter more of a target than he already is.] 

(It couldn’t have been that important right?)

[No, nothing Peter says is every important.]

(I meant, Petey would have mentioned it before now if it was super important…right?)

“Yeah, it was probably just to take care of ourselves and have a good day,” Wade reassured himself.

[Whatever you say.]

**That Night**

Wade was busy ‘sexy cleaning’ the bedroom when he heard the door open.

“Wade, we’re home,” Peter called out.

“Coming!” Wade bounced excitedly, enjoying the way his skirt flipped up.

(PETEY!)

[When did Peter start referring to himself in multiples?]

“What are you talking about? There’s only one Pete…” Wade stopped in his tracks, as by the door stood not only Peter but Aunt May, who was shrugging off her coat.

Peter’s eyes bugged out of his head and he frantically gestured for Wade to return to the bedroom. But the merc was frozen in place.

(We should move.)

[He’s trying.]

(MOOOOOOOVE.)

Peter raced across the apartment, jumping over the couch and table, then using his super strength pushed Wade back into the bedroom. 

“Just a minute Aunt May!” the brunette yelled, locking the door.

[You’ve really done it this time.]

“Why are you wearing that?”

“You don’t like it? You liked it last time…” Wade said in a small voice.

“Babe, it’s not that I don’t like it. I promise I like it very much. I mean you look so good and god I just want to bend you over…but my aunt is out there! Wade, we can’t have sexytimes with my aunt waiting for dinner,” Peter rambled.

“She’s here for dinner?”

“Didn’t you listen to my message?” 

(Yeah, we did…)

[We just deleted it and decided it wasn’t important.]

“You know that’s not how it went down,” Wade growled.

Peter sighed.

“I guess that means you didn’t cook the chicken either?”

“…chicken?”

[He means the chicken we forgot to cook 2 nights ago and then stomped on the following morning.]

(Ohhhhhh.) 

“I’m sorry,” the merc sat on the bed and buried his head in his hands.

The brunette crawled between his legs and cradled Wade’s scarred face.

“It’s okay babe, May prefers pizza anyway.”

“I did listen to the message, but White and Yellow were being loud, and I accidently deleted it. I just tried not to stress about what we must have forgot,” the merc mumbled.

“Oh wade, you could have called me.”

“I didn’t want to annoy you. You already had a lot going on,” Wade whispered.

[Exactly. And now you’ve gone and ruined his night with this ridiculous costume.]

“Hey, now listen here. You are never a burden you understand? It is always okay to call if you need me. I know I can’t fully understand what goes on in your head, but I know it can get scary and I’m here for you. I love you, Wade Winston Wilson,” Peter declared, his eyes not leaving Wades.

(That was beautiful.)

[Marry him.]

“Let’s wait till he’s a bit older,” Wade chuckled.

“Hmmm?” 

“All 3 of us appreciate your speech and all 3 of us love you very much,” the merc said.

“Even, White?” Peter asked in amazement.

[No.]

“Even, White.”

Peter pulled Wade down for a kiss. The hero tried to pour all the love he could into it before breaking away.

“I’m jealous,” the brunette murmured against scarred lips.

“What?”

“You know how you always go on about there being a multiverse?”

“Definitely exists, baby boy.”

“Well, that means that another Peter Parker got to come home to his Wade Wilson wearing the sexiest outfit and didn’t have dinner plans with Aunt May.” 

“And what do you think that Peter Parker did?”

“Oh, I know exactly what he would have done, coz it’s the same thing I would have done,” the brunette bit playfully at Wade’s bottom lip.

(Dirty, dirty spider.)

“And what is that?”

“Well…”

A knock at the door interrupted the couple.

“Peter, honey? I ordered pizza off your app, it should be here in around 20minutes,” May said through the door.

“Thanks Aunt May!” Peter called back.

[Wait, did she say she was on Peter’s phone?]

“Oh, and Wade, I didn’t realize you were into photography like Peter.” There was a beat of silence before she continued, a smirk evident in her voice, “I’ll have to get you over to clean my apartment sometime, what are your hourly rates?” 

(...)

[Weren’t you the one chanting ‘sexy photoshoot’ before?]

(…)

[Coward.]

“What’s she talking about?”

“I kinda took some photos and sent them to you before I knew you left your phone here.”

“Of you in this costume?”

“Yep.”

“Sexy photos?”

“The sexiest.”

“And my aunt has seen them?”

“It appears so.”

Peter groaned.

“Your boners gone isn’t it?” Wade asked.

“100%”

“Fair enough.”

Peter stood.

“Get changed into something far less arousing and come join us for pizza,” Peter kissed the top of Wade’s head before leaving the bedroom.

(So, that didn’t go exactly as planned.)

[You think?]

(How were we supposed to know she was coming over?)

[We already went over the part in great detail.]

(Well what’s our next strategy?)

“There is no next.”

[Finally.]

(But we don’t give up?)

“We always give up Yellow, we always give up,” Wade whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know we left it on angst...I'm sorry! But all the fluff is coming next chapter, I promise.
> 
> The song lyrics are from Titanium by David Guetta and Sia.


	6. +1 All I Need is You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We always give up Yellow, we always give up,” Wade whispered.

Deadpool was sitting at the top of an apartment building, technically he was on patrol, but the merc couldn’t bring himself to do much of anything.

(Coz we gave up on baby boy.)

[Oh, get over it already.]

(Now Petey will never know how much we love him!)

[I think you mean, ‘now Peter will be safe from our disastrous plans’, I mean we nearly killed the kid.]

(We woulda got it right eventually…)

[Yes, but would Peter still be breathing to appreciate it?]

“It doesn’t matter now, we won’t bother Petey with our love again,” Wade pouted.

“Well, that would be a shame,” a familiar voice said from behind him.

(SPIDEY!)

The merc turned to see his beloved standing on the rooftop, his suit seemed to be sparkling in the moonlight.

“You bedazzle your suit, baby boy?”

“No. That’s actually what I came to talk to you about,” the hero sat on the ledge next to Wade. “Well, that and this,” Peter pulled out a folded card from his suit.

(Uh oh.)

[I told you not to make that.]

(We felt bad!)

[And I told you, specifically, not to use glitter.]

“I tried to make it pretty?”

“I can tell. And don’t get me wrong, I am not thrilled that I’ll be moulting glitter for weeks, but I’m more interested in what you’re saying sorry for.”

Wade starred at the glittery red heart on the front of the card, in gold he had spelled out ‘SORRY’ in the centre.

[Where do we start?]

(…)

[We covered your face in chocolate.]

(Delicious chocolate!)

[We sent you a killer plant.]

(We saved Iron Man from a killer plant!)

[Set fire to your aunt’s curtains.]

(Baby boy now has every candle his heart could desire!) 

[Sent you into anaphylaxis.]

(Now Petey can protect himself in the future!)

[Made your aunt look at us in lingerie.] 

(…Aunt May didn’t seem too traumatised?)

[Pathetic.]

(…)

[Maybe we should just pack up and leave at this point?]

“The chocolate, VIV, forgot to turn the oven on, the lychees and I don’t think I need to go into last night,’ Wade mumbled.

“I see…” Peter sighed.

[He didn’t seem satisfied with that answer.]

(Yeah, what else did we do?)

“Is there something else I should be apologizing for, baby boy?”

“You still haven’t said sorry for missing Valentine’s,” the hero said quietly.

(That’s what we’ve been trying to do!)

“We’ve been trying all week Spidey!”

“What?”

“All the romantic shit, it was to make it up to you for missing your day,” the merc explained.

“Oh Wade,” Peter’s large brown eyes softened, and gloved hands cradled Wade’s face.

(Oh, I just want to melt into those eyes! Like big pools of chocolate syrup.)

[Oh please.]

(We’d lick up every drop.)

[That would be disgusting.]

“You’re special to me baby, I’m sorry I missed your dinner.”

“That’s all I wanted to hear,” Peter cooed.

[Who would have thought it? The simplest answer was the solution.]

(Nothing about us is simple.)

[ _Everything_ about us is simple.]

(Hey!)

“Yeah?”

“You know why I was so upset?”

[Because he worked out that we’ll manage to miss every special occasion?]

“Coz I forgot?”

“Nope. I was upset, because I was worried you didn’t care. I knew about your job before we got together Wade. Heck, I know I’ve missed things coz of Spider-Man. I just wanted to know you appreciated what I did. You always take such good care of me and I wanted to take care of you for once.”

(Petey! We’re swooning!)

[How are we so easy?]

“Of course, I appreciate it baby boy. Nothing in this world means more to me than you,” Wade promised.

Peter pressed his mask to the side of Deadpool’s face.

“You want to know, what I wanted to happen when you when you came back on the 15th?”

[Us not to walk back through the door?]

(Haven’t you been listening? Petey loves and wants us.)

“Yeah.”

“I wanted you to go out for a couple of hours so I could calm down. Then I wanted you to come home and tell me how sorry you were before asking if you could make it up to me.”

“How would I make it up to you?”

“By letting me fuck you into the mattress,” Peter climbed onto Wade’s lap.

[Such a charmer…]

(You know we love it!)

“You can do that baby boy, anytime.”

“Not lately,” the brunette pouted. “You got all dressed up for me yesterday and I couldn’t do anything,” the hero ground down against Wade’s crotch.

“Nothing to stop us doing that tonight.”

(OH YEAH!)

“Fuck yes…” Peter panted, as he rubbed himself against the merc.

(C’mon baby boy, let us take you home.)

The young hero stiffened in Wade’s arms and turned his head to the side.

[Looks like someone needs to be a hero.]

(But sex?)

[Comes after patrolling.]

(But…)

[You really think your dick is more important than the safety of New York?]

(You don’t want me to answer that.)

“Duty calls baby?”

Even if we have a fight or you forget something, I promise it’s gonna take more than that for me to leave. I really appreciate everything you did this week.”

[Peter. You are far too good for us.]

(Yeah, but let’s not tell him.)

“Promise?” Wade asked.

“I promise. Now go do some sexy cleaning.”

“Aye aye sir.”

“Oh, and I also promised Mr Stark that we’d babysit VIV when him and Ms Potts go on vacation next week!” Spider-Man called over his shoulder as he swung away.

(NO!)

[That little…]

“Motherfucker!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it's late! My sister got sick so I had to take care of her, but I finally got it finished. 
> 
> Thanks to MommaDE for the suggestion of a glittery card on the spidey suit :)
> 
> Let me know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> So this turned out very different than how I planned! I swear i was like, 'okay so they only need to be like 500 words each' and then it just grew and grew. This is my first time writing Deadpool's thought boxes, so sorry if its not great, but I actually really enjoyed it.
> 
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> As usual my prompt is from: https://prompts.neocities.org/


End file.
